Mmmm

i think i may start writing again, in a while.

also i be so happy! cant even speak correctly happy! mmm mmm...

think that be all...

z out

Fuck You Billie Joe Armstrong

so the song "boulevard of broken dreams" by green day off of american idiot was a popular single for them yes? (*couch emo bullshit cough*)

the music (guitar progression and drum riff) are actually from "i cant wait" by the white stripes off of white blood cells.

fucking plagiarist...

z out

Normality

i wish that my family were more normal than they are. maybe its normal for people to be in a constant state of argument and struggle...

bro fights with dad, dad fights with bro, mom fights with dad on bros account (all the fucking time), mom fights with me, dad fights with me, mom fights with bro, dad fights with mom on my account (all the fucking time), bro fights with me.

on top of all this, other random shits occur that spark fights, that could easily be avoided, and when they do explode into arguments, people involved are made to feel like shit because of it.

in other news i cant wait until wednesday.

why has it gotta be a fucking struggle with everything now that schools out, im in a relative state of happiness, and everything (other than family fighting so goddamn much) everything is peachy? is it too much to ask that people, family and other random on-lookers back the fuck up and let me take a deep breath of the happiness that i thought was all around but apparently is not?

also, why is it my fault if someone decides to not do something?

a better question: why is it my fault if they DO decide to do something?

fuck. it makes me wanna drink and smoke and hedonise out of sheer frustruation with the state of events surrounding me.

speaking of smoking, my friends back in town after long last. i wonder how new orleans was? or if he reads this blog? if so call me...we should get together and do the dance of cigars...

why is everything recently a pain in my ass? irritations abound most recently, and i feel rubbed very raw...maybe its just me and the whole feeling sorry for myself thing that i tend to do when seperated from friends and cant drink or smoke.

i cant wait for everything to be back to normal.

z out

Nani?

my brothers response to a point in a recent argument:

assertion:

"you are so fucking argumentative! you dispute everything i say!"

response:

"no i dont! i do not!"

hilarious no?

z out

Hell

goddamn its 89 degrees at 1200am and while its raining?

welcome to the motherfucking south...

z out

Hangin' Tree

mark lanegan is awesome...

also tom waits...

z out

to prove a point

i love no caps...mmm no caps....

can you smell the bad typing? the lack of punctuation? of caps?

heh

/sticks out tongue


z out

Who Are You?

who? who?

who? who?


z out

Forced Into A Corner

i feel confused and panicky. like i was .

i also feel helpless and pissed off.

not to mention annoyed almost all the time this past month.

the only times i am happy is when i am:

a) playing music

b) writing

the problems are:

a) i have no band, am suffering writers block, song-wise, and cant find decent mics to record with in the studio
b) everything i write is shitty, to me, unless written under some preposterous method that either involves lack of sleep or lack of food. also writer's block is teh sux...

bitch.

bitch.

bitch.


z out

...Or Something Like that

travelling upon a stair
i met a man who wasnt there
he wasnt there yesterday
he wasnt there again today
i wish
i wish
hed go away


z out

Spontaneous Writing: 6 hrs Sleep, No Food

eddie flung the empty bottle of whisky against the wall in front of him, watching it shatter into hundreds of pieces of gleaming pain and sparkles. walking along the rest of the alley, after having contemplated lying across the sparklies, he noticed the man, legs drawn up to his chest, back between a dumpster and the brick wall.

gangly though the man was, eddie felt a surprising amount of fear and distrust towards the man that he couldnt explain. the whisky could explain why he felt so funny at the sight of the man. alcohol did funny things to the way he processed things. in other words, it functions perfectly. the ratty clothes that the man was in hung about him loosely, as if they were bought for another man and he had happened upon them. almost as if his new lifestyle changed the man he was, as if he hadnt intended to turn into this, just see what happened. the rest followed that.

he turned away from the man, the image of someone decaying before his very eyes causing him to turn and leave, revolted. turning back to look over his shoulder, he noticed that the space occupying the man was now suddenly empty...

eddie walked over and inspected the area. a pile of dust, barely a scattering of debris across the wet, glistening concrete between buildings, the condensation from the hot day having built up and cooled down. eddie was tired...

he sat for a few minutes and had the images of death and lives lived flash across his closed eyes. the crack of lightning threatened his awakening. the would wet his legs. he drew them up to his chest, keeping them dry. he would just rest here for a while, until the storm passed.

somewhere down the cavernous echoes of the alley, the sound of a smashed bottle hit, the crash and the tinkling of the glass as it hit the pavement. the sound made him feel safe, secure, in his hole. made him pull his legs tighter up to his chest. the warmth they held kept him warm in his tshirt. he heard the sound of a man walking up the alley. if only he could fade away...

z out

... Saints

so i know what im going to buy when i have frivolous income, or at the very least a spare twenty. apparently evnmcgruder and adult swim are releasing the boondocks first season on dvd. i love me some boondocks, but only actually saw maybe four episodes at best, as i didnt have cable.

also after that, invader zim. britty has turned me onto the magic of jhonen vasquez. he be awesome.

there are many various and sundry dvd boxsets i would also like, but most of them would only seem good to me.

also, since when did they finalise blu-ray disks? i was listening to tv while i was reading and heard an ad that said "on dvd and blu-ray ". i guess dvd is on its way down now...fuck...i liked dvd

z out

Ants In Der Pants

i feel so antsy its driving me insane. i wish i werent in this fucking house. i wanna be away so bad its making me insane. if i at least had a car i could drive away for a couple hours at a time, but i dont even have that. everything pisses me off and i am getting more and more short tempered as time goes on. two more weeks and then itll be good...

z out

Survey Time: have fun reading this by the way

Basics

Your gender: Male
Straight/Gay/Bi: Bi
Single?: No
Birthdate: May 16
Your age: 20
Age you act: /shrug
Age you wish you were: /shrug
Your height: 6,1
Eye color: Brown
Happy with it?: Nope
Hair color: At the moment dark brown
Happy with it?: Nope
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: Righty
Your living arrangement: family unfortunately
Your family: my mom, dad, brother jacob
Have any pets?: i dont, family does
What's your job?: job?
Piercings?: none right now
Tattoos?: soon...
Obsessions?: music
Addictions?: /shrug...alkeyhol?
Do you speak any other language? spanish, a little japanese
Have a favorite quote?: "Fuck 'em"
Do you have a webpage?: thebigzz.blogspot.com
music-n-shits.blogspot.com

Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it

Do you live in the moment?: no
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: Until they make me get pissed off
Do you have any secrets?: of course...why wouldnt i have secrets? i love them
Do you hate yourself?: mildly
Do you like your handwriting?: /shrug
Do you have any bad habits?: oh yeah...
What is the compliment you get from most people?: /shrug. dont really pay that much attention...dont really believe most people...i guess maybe my eyes?
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? "Fucked"
What's your biggest fear?: mushrooms
Can you sing?: maybe...never tried
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: nope
Are you a loner?: not at all...i needs people
What are your #1 priorities in life?: being happy?
If you were another person, would you be friends with you? maybe
Are you a daredevil?: /shrug
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I hate my looks
Are you passive or agressive?: passive
Do you have a journal?: see webpages above
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: dunno...not good at self analysis
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:wieght, maybe looks...prolly looks
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: not particularly
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: too many to name
Do you think life has been good so far?: in some parts yes
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: dont poke things with sharp sticks, then tend to fight back
What do you like the most about your body?: dont like my body
And least?: body
Do you think you are good looking?: no
Are you confident?: depends on what I’m doin
What is the fictional character you are most like?: silent bob?
Are you perceived wrongly?: i think so

Do You...

Smoke?: yes...trying to quit..every now and then i do
Do drugs?: occasionally
Read the newspaper?: just the comics
Pray?: not anymore... i gave up
Go to church?: ^ same as above
Talk to strangers who IM you?: Of course... gotta meet new people somehow
Sleep with stuffed animals?: ...no?
Take walks in the rain?: Yup...i love the rain
Talk to people even though you hate them?: when I’m bored or lonely.
Drive?: Yup
Like to drive fast?: yeah... though going 90 in a 45 then realizing I didn’t have my license was scary

Would or Have You Ever?

Liked your voice?:no
Hurt yourself?: yup it was stupid tho
Been out of the country?: several times
Eaten something that made other people sick?: no
Been in love?: i am right now actually
Done drugs?: yes
Gone skinny dipping?: ...if i did i was really fucked up so ill say no
Had a medical emergency?: yeah
Had surgery?: yes
Ran away from home?: no
Played strip poker?: no
Gotten beaten up?: no
Beaten someone up?: yeah bitches
Been picked on?: yeah
Been on stage?: yup... i love it
Slept outdoors?: yeah
Thought about suicide?: yeah
Pulled an all nighter?: i am an insomniac
If yes, what is your record?: 5 days...when coming from spain back to america i was up 96 hrs, but that was timezones i think
Gone one day without food?: yes
Talked on the phone all night?: yeah
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yeah
Slept all day?: yeah
Made out with a stranger?: no
Had sex with a stranger?: nope
Thought you're going crazy?: yeah many times
Kissed the same sex?: yes
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: no
Had a dream that came true?: Yeah all the time
Broken the law?: ya, mostly when i drive
Met a famous person?: yeah
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: no
On purpose?: no
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yeah
Stolen anything?: yeah
Been on radio/tv?: yup
Been in a mosh-pit?: yeah
Had a nervous breakdown?: not that i know of...
Bungee jumped?: no
Had a dream that kept coming back?: yeah

Beliefs

Belive in life on other planets?: sure
Miracles?: /shrug
Astrology?: /shrug
Magic?: sure
God?: I use to... not so sure anymore
Satan?: /shrug
Santa?: no
Ghosts?: no
Luck?: no not really
Love at first sight?: definitely...i am under it...
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yes
Witches?: /shrug
Easter bunny?: no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: For the person you love.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: no!
Do you wish on stars?: yeah but it doesn't work

Deep Theological Questions

Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: no
Do you think God has a gender?: /shrug
Do you believe in organized religion?: no definitely not
Where do you think we go when we die?: /shrug...maybe reincarnation? thats a favorite of mine, though probably not

Friends

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yeah.
Who is your best friend?: just one?
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: kevan kyle
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: dunno, havent really thought about it...if it makes sense i just do it cos it makes sense...
Your favorite inside joke?: strawberry cheescake
Thing you're picked on most about?: dunno...manipulation? i can be a bastard sometimes...especially in high school
Who's your longest known friend?: kevan kyle
Talking to? myself
Newest?: geeze
Shyest?: geeze
Funniest?: kevan or ben, maybe stu
Sweetest?: britty
Closest?: kevan or britty
Weirdest?: ben
Smartest?: kevan
Ditziest?: dont have ditsy friends...dont like ditzes
Friends you miss being close to the most?: dunno
Last person you talked to online?: britty
Who do you talk to most online?: britty
Who are you on the phone with most?: britty
Who do you trust most?: kevan or britty
Who listens to your problems?: most of my friends
Who do you fight most with?: none really
Who's the nicest?:dunno
Who's the most outgoing?: dunno
Who's the best singer?: britty
Who's on your shit-list?: too long to write out
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: yeah...do i have to name names?
Who's your second family?: none really
Do you always feel understood?: nope
Who's the loudest friend?: ben
Do you trust others easily?: depends
Who's house were you last at?: ryan
Do your friends know you?: some...others dont
Friend that lives farthest away: stu...soon britty

Love and All That

Do you consider love a mistake?: no, never. then again i guess i am a bit of a Romantic...truth, love, and beauty...
What do you find romantic?: lots of things
turn-on?: intelligence, emotional support/openness, and just general closeness. also, yeah attractiveness is there to...if i find the person attractive then that also turns me on...
Turn-off?: stupidity
First kiss?: i liked it
If someone who you had no interest in had interest in dating you, how would u feel?: still trying to work this feeling out...apparently people losing wieght makes them ultra appealable?
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going out: yes
Have you ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out: yes
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: no...i have lusted, but i dont think that i have ever been romantically attracted to more than two people...one for sure, as i am with that person...the other coud have been just a deep crush...didnt feel the same as this
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Nah
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: that they don’t like me?
What's the last present someone gave you?: fear and loathing in las vegas on dvd and the collected works of johnny the homicidal maniac
Are you in love?: most definitely

z out

I Feel Like A Shit

i guess i cant help but fuck up sometimes...why do i have to sleep so goddamn much? why cant i get to sleep at a regular time? fucking insomnia...

z out

Burn The Witch

oh noes!!11! deadite armies attack!

seriously tho i do like the drummer as satan and the guitar player as a priest...


z out

Crack the Dishes and Smash the Plates, That's What Bilbo Baggins Hates...

so i walked pretty fast for twenty minutes today...also im fucking hongry...dunno how many calories ive had today but im gonna guess at max maybe 1000? i had around 180 at breakfast (cottage cheese and peaches), a serving of sunships (140 calories), and at dinner chips, salsa, sourcream, 2 cheese quesadillas...dunno how many theyre worth but that leaves around 1800 calories left of my limit so im guessing i went under that...

im adding exercise because i knda tremble around 250 just dieting...

i also watched the hobbit...awesome movie...a favorite from childhood...

i am also rereading the terry goodkind series...well sword of truth...its also a favorite of mine...when you overlook the philosophy, theyre actually quite entertaining...

z out

/sigh...

i wish i could solve my problems with booze...

also cloves...

lots of shit with family just pisses me the fuck off...
i am definitely not living here next summer. ill do what it takes to have an apartment next summer in atl.

everything around me just sucks...i am unhappy...im cut off from friends...i miss my girlfriend...nothing has happened this summer the way i thought it would...

i need a car...

i am in a constant state of being wound up, being paranoid, lonely, whathaveyou...my family just annoys me...

for instance, when taryn and stu visited, which was awesome, the one brighter point this past couple of weeks, that has been the high point for these past two weeks...it was so good to see friends from out of town...

it seems nothing is done right (by me at least), as if im some fuckup, good for nothing but draining the income, not contributing anything...

i wish i could just get myself interested in something again, writing, photography, music, it doesnt matter...anything...hell ill even take drinking and smoking over this slump...

im so angry all the time...i feel pissed off and on the verge of a shutdown...also depressed and paranoid...this place is driving me insane and i mean that in the most serious way possible...

isnt it always interesting when your parents think they know what you should do better than you do? lifeplans and such especially...

z out

Random-o!

so in response to everyone:

geeze: i can too eat 2100 calories a day...

ben: exercise is for suckers...and the ddr is...well its been going...

its awesome to see comments...they make my attention meter go *booop!*

also i got a random message from a girl graduating from the local big high school and shes going to ou in the fall. i check her profile and shes in 18/19th century lit and shes a student in the class i mentor...getting a message and a friend confirmation in the same day?! yeah!! i love attention from random people...time to make new friends. i love talking to random people...especially if im drunk and ben is trying his numberthing on them.

umm....thats it?

z out

A New Leaf

Maintenance:	3603 Calories/day
Fat Loss:	2882 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss:	2162 Calories/day

thems the numbers. follow these and ye shall be onto the next weight goal of 230. yargh.

bad coupla weeks so far. look to be a bad coupla more. on the other hand im getting good reading time in, so i guess thats a plus.

i wish i had a car sos i could destress by driving around and listening to loud angry music...

i wish i were in the atl...

i wish i were with britty...

z out

Anger

my bro is seriously being a little bitch. its getting really annoying and i am already ready to be back in the atl.

if someone asks you not to put your drink on top of a stack of cds, for fear of the drink sweat fucking with the stack, would you a) not put the drink on it, or b) put the drink on it and when you are asked why you put the drink on top of said cds, topple the stack, call the person a fat fuckhead and storm out of the room?

guess which one he chose. when i do shit like that, i get bitched at. he does it? "of course hes gonna react like that when you yell at him"

mommas little fucking baby. i swear to god he can do no wrong...

now this starts to sound bitchy...sorry. bitches?

im out

z out

Japanland Coolness

october 2006 = opening of robot museum in tokyo

sugoi!

z out

SIX!!

i have like six big crates of books that i am going thru now. i love some of these books. the others im not quite so sure why i kept most of these...probably cool things that are underlined, like things from huxley and whatnot...aldous huxley be the pimp...

z out

It's For The Poison Gas...

???

z out

i hate cleaning out

this sucks. i spent like an hour handing shit up and down out of the attic either to bro or dad. for those of you that know me, i dont like heighths, as a reminder. i now have a motherfucker of a headache. this sucks big ones. im also tired. bah humbug...

z out