"Did You Sleep Well Last Night?"

my mom posed me this question when i was talking to her earlier this morning. what was my answer? yes. why do i lie to my mother so easily? more frighteningly, why do i find it so easy to lie to my mom? shoeless proposed, rather freudianly, that your relationship with your mother is the basis of all your future relationships. its what you base your relationships on when you date someone, when you make friends, etc, etc. does this mean that i will lie to any partner in a relationship with me, sexual, social or otherwise? does this also mean that my brother, who never lies to our mom, will be the honest one in his relationships, the one that i would like to be in a relationship? does this mean that i am doomed to a series of relationships in which i am the liar/cheater/dishonest one? i hope not. honestly, i think freud can go fuck his own mother if he wants. i think freud is full of bullshit, but the arguement shoeless brings up is valid; i do have a tendency to lie, very easily, very offhandedly. it really isnt something that im bragging about, it just happens if i feel uncomfortable in a certain situation: i lie. i mean, why couldnt i have just told my mom, no i didnt sleep well, because i am having more and more bouts of insomnia? did i really just not want her to worry? that might be part of it, but i dont think that it is my one motivation in lying to her. i hated myself once i said it as well, but i just kept that same facade that goes up when i am talking to anyone in my family and also to my closest friends: i am fine, i dont need any help, i am perfectly okay. its sick that i feel i cant even tell the truth to my family, but even sicker, i feel i cant tell the truth to friends, no matter their closeness. its not even a matter of truth anymore, its a matter of being able to state what i am feeling at any given time and not having to hide the way i feel; i act out, somewhat obnoxiously, when i am with people i am not comfortable with; its all just a face that i can put on and have people think of me one way, while really i am a different way. but shoeless is right i guess: society is built upon lies. everyone acts differently with other people than they do when they are alone. im gonna go peruse the dvd list, get ready for anime club, get some alkeymahol, and then watch some anime. should be fun...
z out