Fuck

i feel sick to my stomach. last night was probably the worst night ever, and its all for reasons that i cant say. i spent the better part of last night tossing and turning and thinking about what i want to do about situations that im in. man, i thought i had taken a burden off this weekend, but right now it just feels like ive got a pile of rocks on my fucking chest. i cant think straight. on top of this i have papers to write, exams to study for, and a presentation to pull outta my ass alongside ben. it makes me want to just give the fuck up, talk to everyone involved, and have everything be done. once everything was out in the open, then maybe i could finally see what reactions/explosions might occur. i think why i havent done any of this yet, is a) im a fucking pussy, and b) i cannot hope to control the outcome of the situations and even if i could, im not so sure i would want to, because what does it matter if everything happens the way it should but its not a real outcome, just something to make me happy? i know im being confusing, mainly because i feel so fucking confused. i have made a vow to not touch the rum in freezer while this works itself out, because really thats the best i can hope for. i do not want to become an alcoholic and i fear thats what will happen if i drink to settle my problems, but this is getting out of control. the situation, not the drinking. i actually havent drunken anything since ben geeze and i watched dr who. the fucked up part about all of this, is that i cannot talk to anyone, because doing so would make everything spiral out of control even further and then everything will pretty much end, despite the length of time involved in everyone. maybe i can talk to sarah, because really shes the closest thing to a big sister i have; i think she also honestly cares for me and will go out of her way to help me in a situation. i will go over there before the week is out, because this is further and further becoming something that i cant deal with alone.
z out